So, DOGE, What Would You Say You Did Here?
In a satirical farewell letter titled “DOGE: It’s your turn to send us a pointless, time-consuming email,” the fictional DOGE organization reflects on its controversial legacy, humorously highlighting the chaos and inefficiencies it has purportedly introduced into American life. The letter, written as if the organization were addressing the nation, opens with a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of its monumental achievements, which include a series of blunders and miscalculations that have left a significant mark on various sectors. For instance, the organization claims to have fostered shared vulnerability among citizens, albeit at the cost of compromising Social Security data security. This ironic admission suggests that while they aimed to connect people, they inadvertently placed millions at risk.
The letter continues to outline the organization’s so-called “achievements” in a manner that blends dark humor with stark criticism. It mentions how the Institute of Peace became a “battlefield,” symbolizing a misguided pivot towards conflict rather than resolution. The cuts to the U.S. Forest Service, which have allegedly made national forests more hazardous, are juxtaposed with a whimsical acknowledgment of the thrill of increased natural disaster risks. This absurdity extends to the scientific community, where the organization boasts of creating an environment of uncertainty for researchers, claiming that American scientific dominance is on the verge of collapse. The letter paints a picture of scientists overwhelmed by funding instability and existential dread, humorously suggesting that this turmoil is a strategic move to produce “mad scientists” who can create fantastical inventions like genetically engineered dinosaurs.
Moreover, the letter critiques the inefficiencies entrenched within government systems, asserting that post-DOGE, operations are run by even fewer employees on outdated systems. It highlights the paradox of increasing waste and inefficiency, such as the incineration of lifesaving food, and the tragic consequences of shutting down essential services like USAID, which has reportedly led to countless unnecessary deaths. The piece culminates in a mock celebration of the organization’s ability to generate lawsuits, emphasizing the irony of spending taxpayer dollars on legal battles rather than meaningful improvements. Ultimately, this satirical exit interview serves as a biting commentary on governmental dysfunction and the often absurd consequences of misguided policies, leaving readers to ponder the true cost of such misadventures in public service.
Yes, it’s true—DOGE
“doesn’t exist”
anymore. But we would never dream of letting it evaporate without an exit interview. DOGE: It’s your turn to send us a pointless, time-consuming email explaining what exactly it was that you did here.
Dear America,
How to begin to recount our monumental achievements? Never have so few done so much to so many.
A few highlights …
We were willing to be vulnerable.
Shared vulnerability brings people together, and by that metric, millions of Americans are now closer than when we started. What we are trying to say is, we uploaded Social Security data to the cloud in
a worrisomely insecure way
, as one whistleblower noted. Now we’re all at risk!
We tried new things.
The Institute of Peace briefly became
a battlefield
. (An exciting pivot!)
We took risks.
Cuts to the U.S. Forest Service made our national forests more dangerous and dirtier. We have increased the likelihood of devastating wildfires and also hacked away at the forces that fight them. What can we say? Some men love to watch the world burn, and we are some men. We have also made it easier for hurricanes to sneak up on us, to add another thrilling element of danger to the lives of average Americans. We have long felt that in the battle of Man versus Nature, Man had an unfair advantage.
We kept some things consistent.
Most people would agree that government inefficiencies exist and that someone should tackle them. And after DOGE, people feel that only more strongly. Before DOGE, systems meant to serve millions of people were being run by a few harried employees using outdated systems. And now, after DOGE, they are being run by
even fewer
, even
more harried
employees on those same outdated systems! The power of DOGE: to alienate even
Leland Dudek
, a man who started out eager to invite drastic change into the Social Security Administration.
We turned things around, scientifically.
Thanks to our tireless efforts, we are
on track
to soon be No. 2 in science in the world! People thought they wouldn’t see American scientific dominance destroyed in their lifetime, but that just shows their failure of imagination. Have you seen
U.S. scientists
these days? The ones who have not already fled to Europe? Do you see how twitchy they are? They don’t know if they’ve got funding or not, because we misread their grant application and thought that it had something to do with Woke; they don’t know if their labs will exist in a year; they don’t know if they’ll even be able to get into the buildings where they work. This is by design. Without mad scientists, how can we ever hope to lead the world in production of Frankenstein Monsters, genetically reengineered
T. rexes
, and moon-shrinking lasers? Our scientists are now madder than they’ve ever been, and that’s entirely thanks to DOGE.
We grew exponentially.
We have increased waste and inefficiency to never-before-seen levels! Five hundred tons of
lifesaving food
incinerated—at a cost of
thousands of dollars
.
We changed lives.
We have transformed the lives of thousands, in the sense that we have made those lives needlessly and unforgivably shorter. Thanks to the shutdown of USAID,
hundreds of thousands of people
are now dead.
We did something with billions of dollars!
The best part was all the savings. Were there savings? Every time we announced a number of dollars that our efforts had saved, it turned out that that number was wrong. This gave everyone the opportunity to do math. Which is good to practice, because the Department of Education is gone now. Much of it is being rolled into Labor, streamlining the journey from cradle to assembly line—and hopefully quickly, so we can take advantage of those tiny fingers!
We created lawsuits!
Don’t worry! In addition to not saving money, we also cost people money. We did everything in such a way as to multiply the number of lawsuits at an astounding rate. Dealing with lawsuits is an
incredibly efficient
way to spend taxpayer dollars, because you pay millions of dollars and get … motions and counter-motions, something all Americans can use at home and much prefer to
listeria-free
lettuce.
Mission accomplished, I say! Always a good sign when a team of innovators destroys billions of dollars of value and then vanishes into thin air! The Louvre burglars could learn a thing or two.
So few people, touching so many lives so profoundly. Next time we’ll try to have a
positive
impact.
