When both of my parents died, I ran from grief by burying myself in work. I had to learn work-life balance all over again.
In a poignant reflection on grief and the quest for balance in life, Matthew Lovell shares his deeply personal journey following the deaths of both his parents. The narrative begins in December 2018 when Lovell’s mother passed away from a rapid-onset cancer, a loss that struck during the holiday season, amplifying feelings of guilt and sadness. Initially, he attempted to return to work as a means of coping, but the facade crumbled during a work trip to Chicago, where he found himself overwhelmed with emotion in the solitude of his hotel room. This moment marked the beginning of a tumultuous relationship with his work, as he buried himself in projects and travel, believing that by keeping busy, he could stave off the pain of his grief.
However, the emotional toll of his losses became increasingly apparent, culminating in 2023 when Lovell faced the devastating loss of five family members, including his father. This series of tragedies shattered any semblance of work-life balance he had managed to maintain. Despite his attempts to distract himself with work, Lovell found that anxiety and depression began to dictate his daily life. Recognizing the unsustainable nature of this coping mechanism, he took a bold step and embarked on a 10-week leave of absence. This time was dedicated not to work, but to healing—focusing on family matters, spending time outdoors, and allowing himself to fully experience his emotions.
Emerging from this period of reflection, Lovell returned to work with a renewed perspective on life and balance. He learned that true success lies not in using work as an escape from life’s challenges but in setting realistic goals and boundaries. As he navigated the complexities of his professional responsibilities, he embraced a more intentional approach, allowing space for self-care and emotional processing. While he acknowledges that healing is not a linear journey, Lovell finds solace in facing his emotions rather than hiding from them, leading to a more authentic and balanced existence. His story serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of acknowledging grief and prioritizing mental health, especially in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOJM4Zt5QWA
The author struggled after the death of both of his parents.
Courtesy of Matthew Lovell
My mom’s death sent me into a pattern of overcommitting at work just so I could hide from the grief.
Five years later, my father’s death made my whole work life fall apart; I took a leave of absence.
Throughout the journey, I discovered a new way to balance my work and life.
My life was immeasurably changed in December of 2018 when my mom died from a fast-moving cancer. It was the week of Christmas, so I recall the feeling of guilt that I had when I sent an email to my team letting them know that I would be out for a little while. I didn’t want to burden their
holiday season
with my sad news.
A few weeks later, my return to work was a two-day trip to Chicago to represent my department in some
sales meetings
. My boss and I had decided it would be an easy re-entry because there was relatively little output that was required on my part.
After the day of meetings, dinner, socializing, and after-dinner drinks, I found myself in the
hotel room
. On the surface, the day had been a nice departure from the stress of the prior weeks. But it was quiet, I was alone, exhausted, and felt numb. I stepped into the shower and, without warning, the floodgates of emotion burst forth, and I cried harder than I had cried in the weeks and months prior.
I realized that the change of scenery had allowed me to feel all the things I’d been holding on to for the months leading up to and after my
mother’s death
.
From there, I buried myself in work to hide from the avalanche of emotions.
I distracted myself with work
In the weeks that followed, it didn’t take me long to realize that my perspective on work had changed entirely. It started as apathy. I wanted to care about the things I was doing, but I didn’t have anything in the emotional tank left to give.
But at the same time, I overcommitted to projects and travel assignments. I took on anything that would distract me from the hurt I was feeling deep inside. In 2019, I spent around 150 nights in
hotel rooms
and took over 100 flights. I was happy on the surface, but beneath the layers, the grief still simmered.
I thought if I just kept my head down at work, then I wouldn’t find myself crying in the shower anymore.
Everything crumbled when my father died
After a couple of years, things finally started to feel good again. Then, in 2023, the first domino fell, and again changed the trajectory of my life. I received a phone call that my mother’s
older brother
had died. I still remember the feeling in my gut as the flicker of all the emotions I’d put there started to roar back to life.
The author’s parents.
Courtesy of Matthew Lovell
But it didn’t stop there. Between February and December 2023, I would end up losing five family members, one of whom was my dad.
Any semblance of normalcy,
work-life balance
, or coping with deep emotions was totally broken by the end of the year.
I tried to bury myself in work again, but I couldn’t get rid of the weight of the anxiety, depression, and grief that was making every day an emotional gauntlet.
By early 2024, I realized that it was no longer sustainable, and I knew I needed to step away from work and give myself space to heal.
The journey forward with a new perspective
I took a 10-week leave of absence, during which I wasn’t filling my days with work or distractions to avoid the pain I was feeling. I was able to focus on
family estate
matters, spend time outside, and allow myself to ride the roller coaster of emotions as they bubbled up.
I ventured back into work this time knowing that if I wanted to be successful, I needed to take a more sustainable approach. Ironically, my return to work this time also came with a
travel assignment
. This time around, however, I knew that I’d need to be more intentional with my time and my commitments, and leave space for myself to recharge.
And it worked. I enjoyed the trip, and also enjoyed the downtime we got to share as a team. I was more present with myself and with them.
I’m now trying to face my emotions instead of drowning in work
The following years have brought on their own set of challenges. But now I knew that
balancing work and life
doesn’t mean using work as an escape from life. It also means setting realistic goals and boundaries for my work commitments.
Sometimes I succeeded, and other times I didn’t, but healing isn’t linear, as they say.
Now, occasionally, I’ll have days when those raw feelings resurface, but I’m grateful that I’m not spending my time at work to avoid them. On this journey, that’s about as close to balanced as you get.
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